i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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