He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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