finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
