The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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