god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
