I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
