does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
