2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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