How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
