Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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