Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
