Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have demons in me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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