so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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