I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
