now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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