And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
