i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My ass is underappreciated
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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