Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
