We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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