You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
