Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
