Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
