Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
