The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
