I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
