i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
