Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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