Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
