I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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