I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
