I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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