good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
