You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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