So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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