we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
