Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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