; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
