This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
