My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
