Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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