I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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