Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
