His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
