Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
