i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
