No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
