Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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