So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
