I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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