You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
