i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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