im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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