I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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